mood: pleased

I have decided that there is a correct way to eat the chocolate covered cherry.

This divine knowledge hit me during a sugar high after scurrying across the lot to retrieve my box of sweets from the drug store. They were about to lower the metal curtain when I gave an exasperated face from the other side of the glass like I desperately needed that one essential thing – which I very well did. She granted me access.

“Can I point you in the right direction?”

“Yes! I’m supposed to get a box of chocolate covered cherries [for my happiness]!”

For some reason, a good cherry is hard to find. It seems that stores have decided to only carry what will routinely sell to the mainstream: the cheap-ass Queen Anne and the best of the worst, Cella’s variety. This goes to show that many Americans are broke and tasteless. Whatever kind you are able to get your hands on, do look for the packaging with individually wrapped cherries.

Once you have removed the foil, pause a moment to flatten it between your fingers and fold it in half or even quarters. Such a delicious candy deserves distinction from the crinkled balling of the Hershey’s Kiss wrapper. Lie, as if there is no particular end result in mind. Like maybe you aren’t entirely focused. This is a display of restraint and control, and is admittedly easier after you’ve done it a few times.

Next is the key to all that I am saying: No matter the size or brand, you must take more than one bite. It doesn’t matter if you nibble off the top with the precision of a surgeon or tear into the first half in some dripping mess. So long as your first bite leaves something left for your tongue, you are on the right path.

It’s all about feeling the energy of the moment at the very center.

mood: calm

I saw an angel come down unto me

In her hand she holds the very key

Words of compassion,

Words of peace

And in the distance, an army’s marching feet

But behold: we will watch them fall.

***

A year-in-review is practically a duty at Live Journal. Many recollections begin with the conclusion. ‘This year was bittersweet’, or, ‘this was one of the best years, yet’. For those who have trouble finding the form there is an outline that floats around from blog to blog: Did anyone close to you die this year? What did you do, for the first time in 2000-whatever?

For me, personally, 2011 sorta stood out there, among the clump of years it resides beside. And yes, I’m playing that down. The difference with this one, warranting it a particular bookmark, is that it took me off the course I was on and put me on another one. It wasn’t so much that the determining factors were new because I dealt with the same elements that have been in my life forever… but this time, they appeared in such a way that demanded I deal with them.

Duties in the new year insist you don't look back and allow you, even with only a matter of hours left, to address those things you are leaving behind before following through. Speak now or forever… there is that word, again. To prepare for the concept of compartmentalized time (past that does not equal future) I archived my entries from the point where I left off, seven years ago.

Seeing my life laid out before me in simple, accessible pieces, the patterns and contents became very clear to me.

Seven is not a curse. It is a number, it is everywhere, and it is precisely what you make of it. Never again will I feed the appearance of a number with the association of damnation. I am going to change that habit and I will see that it becomes what it was always meant to be – a reward for having survived it.

Something happened to me when I was a teenager that left me confused and confined. There was a pain and a promise that I carried with me into my adult life and it found ways to influence the choices I made. I can see it woven into the days I was living, intertwined with the people who love and care about me – that is incredible but very scary. No amount of passion or intelligent thought (conflicting as those two become) can fix an issue you have buried... but that is what I tried to do with a few mounds of dirt.

Trying, even without trying, to silently convey something over and over again in the story that is your life. What are the lyrics? How many sharps or flats does it have? This has become my passion. I go looking for it, in other people’s eyes, so that I can take their hand and sing it back.

Have you ever loved someone and watched that person die? Do you ever see her, do you ever see him, in your dreams? Does the corpse ever rise from the earth, dancing before your eyes? Suppose you were so lucky, and you were standing in that graveyard in front of the impossible. You tell me; what have I done?

What would you do?

Year-In-Review.

I will never be able to erase the guilt or avoid the consequence. All I can say for myself is that… whenever I thought I saw that promise again, I embraced it and the pain disappeared. And for a moment, even as reality and morality were burrowing into my conscience, it felt like I was free forever.

Then I went to court. I lost my job. I bailed my brother out of jail. I have been on trial since January, in a series of firsts. I came clean about the details of my manic relationship with a man (who I have only known online) because I could not go back to the way things were when all of the cryptic words belonged to him.

The man had a name, a secret life, and he had me. He knew this. He knew what they meant. And he did things with all three that we will disagree about. That was his decision. Mine was to willingly be in the same dark realm and stay emotionally brave about it. Just letting it go with the usual anger and frustration before shrugging it off as The Big Unknown was always my worst move; I needed to look behind the curtain. My belief system depended on it.

I am so sorry for any of the facts that I got wrong, even more sorry for those that I got right, and I can only hope that you try to understand how that was someone who had already been taken to heart and had never been cast out. He took away his light, took away his family I had gotten to know and care about, so I did what I would do for anyone important to me: I went searching and suffered through it. Again. I'll always turn to Faith when I can't see. I will wish for their unity and happiness, forever - that is my pain and my promise... no matter how things look once that clock strikes midnight.

To them, to you, to us, I dedicate a very special new year.

We will see a plague and river of blood

And every evil soul will surely die in spite of

Their 7 tears, but do not fear

For in the distance, twelve souls from now,

You and me will still be here –

mood: grateful

Corby, my good kitty.

For the first time since Grandpa’s death, my aunt and grandmother picked apples from the orchard and gave a bushel to my mother. They were baked into our Christmas pies and turned out to be amazing. How I miss, miss, miss that man. It was so touching to know that my family was able to carry on an aspect of his legend.

Mom made a simple but delicious honey butter for the rolls that had me filling up on bread. She spent all of this time on cranberry something-or-other, homemade stuffing and all that, and I was like, “Chris pass me the rolls!” about five times during dinner.

Dutbutt (The Duchess) and Gigi were presented with various toys that rolled and squeaked, which drove them nuts with excitement.

My Christmas loot was shocking, as I hadn’t anticipated being treated like ‘one of the kids’ this year. I got a bag filled with comfort clothes: those ultra-fuzzy pajama pants that feel like fluffed fleece, silky fuzzy socks, a scarf laced with silver that ranges from grey to black and a wonderfully, ridiculously Russian faux-fur hat with ear flaps.

It’s a newer tradition, to get me a big fuzzy hat every year. I wear them indoors a lot, for my own happiness, and it makes others laugh in the process. When I lifted it out from the box Gigi saw it as an attractive stuffed animal intended for her and she tried to take it from me.

Another present, perhaps worthy of the eye-roll, was an imported Tamagotchi from Japan. Remember those little egg-shaped toys that had a virtual pet on the screen? You had to feed it, play with it and clean its shit or it would die? Well, Japan never overcame the craze and now they make fancy ones with color displays. I got the special ‘PinkxGold Tamagotchi iD’ and have been carrying it around with me, taking care of it.

There was a time when my parents were in rocky territory and Dad’s mom insisted that a ‘fancy bottle of perfume’ would make everything okay. Being a senior citizen of different times, she naturally recommended an older lady scent: White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor. Ever since then, when special occasions arise, Dad has presented us with that perfume because no one has the heart to correct the situation by coming forward and admitting that White Diamonds is, simply, awful.

I shot my mother a knowing glance and thanked Dad for the scented lotion. Then I turned around and re-gifted it to my boyfriend’s mother – it might actually mask the smell of her cigarettes! Mom made sure to slip Britney’s new bottles, Elizabeth Arden scents, into my pile of goodies. She knows I like the good stuff.

Speaking of good stuff, there is a new bakery in Owosso that is negotiating for recipes from a business that called it quits years ago. It seems that many gems from White’s Bakery are coming back to this new place, including my family’s favorite. The extinction of ‘The Triangle’ was always such a shame in my father’s eyes; I’m so glad to hear the news of something classic being resurrected in time for Dad to experience again.

I have to admit: it was the sort of feel-good harvest that made me want to curl up in my family’s home, holding on to all of my toys in a greedy clasping hug and just smile, forever.

mood: cold

Prerequisite (never am I simple): This is technically part two of Males Of the Hour, in which I address the concept of our preserved 'Christmas Season' from the eyes of an adult that were once a child's. To add to the complexity this scenario started in 2003 when I found myself a bit forlorn, at the watchtower in my private universe.
***

Why do we come together every year, like this? What of the things to remember and the things to be forgot?

Elves crawl out from their shadowy corners with the faces of children. The crooner’s piano sits, dusty and warped.

Dear Santa,

Please sit next to me.

Ebenezer offers his jacket. Fred offers his Fruity Pebbles. The reindeer’s nose begins to light the room with a glowing red. We all have our own ways of giving everything we have.

This is one private little moment in a boundless place and you may have it.

A Merry Christmas to you, (click to download song)

I hope to see you soon.

-Autumn May

P.S. For those of you who are wondering, that is me, singing at the piano. There are so many Christmas songs; I wanted to be a part of that and offer something.

mood: giggly

Last night we had dinner out with Brad’s sister and family. I had thought of Brad’s nephew, Zack, ahead of time and packed my hand held console along with a few CDs that I thought he might like. They made a signature garlic cheese dip that everyone goes crazy over and drinks were served later on. I passed on the alcohol.

Zack showed me some of the features on my Nintendo DSI XL and I ended up spending the night playing video games while everyone else did their own thing. There is an Invader Zim channel on the Flipnote application, where people make short little animations and share them. I showed Zack Invader Zim a few years ago and his parents protested; apparently now it’s okay to like things that are cool because he has every episode recorded and proudly states it as his favorite show (despite its short run). We laughed over the fanvid creations.

“Care to join the adults?” Brad asked, his head peeking around the door.

Hooked to the internet for the first time I also tried out the photos-to-Facebook option and downloaded the (temporary offer) free game Zelda: Four Swords. Then we worked on playing the I.Zim theme some by ear, recorded it onto his keyboard and added beats and chords until it had that awesome video game sound